All excellent questions
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.