One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My dad teaching me to drive
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.