Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
My life in a nutshell
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…