[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.