[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me trying to reach for my goals
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro