can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.