“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
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me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”