turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
FRED: right
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
This could’ve been an email.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.