If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
starting a garage orchestra
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Tony Hawk, age 6