*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder