My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.