Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture