My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
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Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.