Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
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I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball