Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.