Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
How funny!
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.