For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.