My oldest chicken is going through henopause
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My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.