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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
New menu item
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?