Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
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Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
choose your gary
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Sticker placement is key.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail