Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.