YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I found your tweet-up…
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.