OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.