Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.