Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.