Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
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GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶