It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful