*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
#parenting
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.