Broom by every window for quick escape.
You Might Also Like
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.