Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Software Development ⛵️
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother