On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
as is their right
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.