someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa