[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
You Might Also Like
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.