me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON