Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.