Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
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Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.