[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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“TGIM!” – My liver
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Word.
~ Microsoft.