If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
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Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw