me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me when my alarm goes off
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I have no passwords left in me
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
thinking about a very short hotdog