Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
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thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life