Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York