Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.