[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
rapatouille
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.