Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?