Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
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Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?