Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.