[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
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People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
“no gods no masters” = leo
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again