Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
You Might Also Like
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
LMAO.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.