*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats