hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Clients after you give them your rates
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.